Commitment

I always thought I was great at commitment. I want to be committed. I promise fidelity and exclusivity easily. Granted, I've been divorced, and broken up with many men, including a recent fiancee, but hey, I had great Reasons, right? So maybe I'm not good at it after all.

For the past four years, since my divorce, I have told everyone I know that I am looking for the Love of My Life and Father of My Children. And I want it to be the kind of relationship from whence Academy Award winning movies are sprung. I'm not going to settle - I did that once, and ended up unhappily married. I made a promise to myself after the divorce that the next marriage would be Great, and it would be Forever. So I refuse to enter into another relationship that is any less.

I date men, for varying amounts of time, and inevitably, I see flaws. I see patterns, traits, habits, and signs that trouble me. Things I can not, or will not live with. And then I end the relationship. A wise friend asked me a couple years ago, "how many men have wanted to marry you, and you rejected them?". When I sat down and made the list, it was a real eye-opener. I felt guilty, that so many are willing to give me so much, and I say "Thanks but no thanks".

I'm getting better at moving along as time passes. That's what scares me. I am so quick to pass judgment, so set in what I want, and so sure that I will get it, if I just wait long enough, search hard enough, date enough. And so, as my last significant relationship put it, I "go through relationships like socks - change 'em every day". Well, it's not that literally, but close enough.

And then two weeks ago, that same wise friend who always tells me the truth, no matter how much it will hurt, said something I have not been able to get out of my mind. She said to me "You say you are committed to being married to the Love of Your Life. But you are more committed to Not Making Mistakes than you are to finding that love and marriage". And you know what, she is 100% right about that.

I base every decision in life on "will this be a mistake?" I ask several people, every time I have a big decision, and hope they will tell me the right thing to do, so I don't make a mistake. I look back on my life thus far and see so many things I wish I hadn't done or said, and they look like mistakes. I don't want to make anymore. Logically, I know that everyone makes mistakes, they happen. Or, you can look at it like there are no mistakes, just choices. But the bottom line is, I don't want to make choices I will later regret. I promised myself when I was a teenager that I would never do anything I regret. But I have.

So I asked this wise friend, how can I break this pattern of being committed to Not Making Mistakes? And she said to me "Are you willing to give up that commitment? Until you truly give it up, you will keep living your life around that, instead of around getting that Love you say you want". And the sad thing is, even two weeks later, I can not give up the commitment to Not Make Mistakes. I am holding onto it like a lifeline. Telling myself I am not willing to make a mistake again, in my life, or that will affect someone else's life. Even though it is probably inevitable.

Now I sit here knowing that I have consigned myself to a life of going from one relationship to the next, always finding something wrong, something that would ultimately make choosing that person a mistake. And it's a very lonely feeling. Because I also know that I have the power to make it different, but I refuse to do so, because to step into the unknown is too scary.

Turns out I am good at commitment. I am so committed to one fear, that I am willing to give up the Love I seek. I sure hope I find a way to break it.



Update 6/11: I'm still single, still dating a lot, still hoping for marriage and baby. And still looking for how it could be a mistake, so I can avoid it. 5 years later, people!!! 5 years, and I'm still doing the same damn thing. What's the definition of insanity again?