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A Nice Catholic Boy For Me

I met a guy named Steve last year in a local grocery store. Our eyes met, several times, in various aisles. Finally, he came up to me, gave me his card and said "I don't usually do this, but I'd really like to meet you for coffee sometime, so call me". We laughed about how odd it was to meet someone in a grocery store, and then he left. I decided to call. We met for coffee, talked for several hours, during which time I told him I was seeing someone, but that I'd like to be friends with him. That was fine for him, as he was kind of seeing someone too. We became email buddies.

Shortly after XMas, he asked if we could get together for drinks and a chat. I said sure. He told me that he's spent XMas eve getting drunk by himself then driving up to a casino to gamble. Impressive. I told him I did not approve of either activity, but since we weren't dating, the only reason it mattered to me was the lives he endangered while driving drunk. He said he knew it was a problem, and would not do it again. A couple months later, he emailed to tell me he'd given up drinking alcohol for Lent, and wanted me to know that he was working on his issues.

We continued to correspond periodically throughout last year, and the friendship seemed fine. He felt comfortable telling me to lighten up on the man I was seeing, and I felt comfortable telling him to pay more attention to his live-in girlfriend and less attention to my love life.

Then came the final break-up for me last fall. Somehow, Steve was tuned in to that event and emailed me soon after to see how I was faring. I told him about the break-up, and he told me he'd broken up with his S.O. as well. We went to church together a couple of times. A cute guy who goes to the same church - I thought I might have scored. And then the weirdness began. Allow me to share with you some actual emails we exchanged...

Steve: I've got this company dinner on Friday. I've planned on going alone though the other sales reps will have their wives with them. It will probably last an hour. You wanna' go? No problem if that's the night you wash your hair.

Me: Actually, that's the night I get to meet all my new co-workers. It's the company XMas party and my first day of work - what a way to meet everyone, right? Anyway, thank you for the invitation, and I would have gone with you, but got to go to this other thing, for obvious reasons :-) Sorry. Have fun though! And enjoy your day today.

Steve: I wish I had a dollar for every time I asked you to do something and you said no. I'd be a very rich man.........

Me: Wait a minute - that is not fair. I have a company XMas party for my new job on Friday. I did not say no, I said I'd like to go with you but I have other plans which I can't change. And a couple weeks ago, you asked me to meet up before church for coffee, and I said yes, and then YOU had other plans. And when those plans fell through, you did not offer to meet anyway. You asked me to watch a movie that I had no interest in - should I have lied instead? You've asked me if you could come over and watch a movie on a Saturday night, which I said no to because I had a boyfriend at the time who would have felt betrayed by such an evening.

So. There's clearly a physical attraction between us, but not so much with the good communication or understanding of eachother's way of doing things. I don't want to be snippy and pissy with you (or anyone). So I propose we just sit on our opposite sides of the church, wave hello, wish eachother well, and not try to make anything more of it.

Steve: hey, calm down now. Maybe we should have a nice sex session and that would eliminate this unnecessary tension. what time?

Dear readers, of course, there was more to the emails, but you get the gist. After that last "sex session" comment, I told him I did not want anything more to do with him. I mean, it just seemed really inappropriate. He then suggested I watch Dr. Phil and learn how to be happy instead of being right. I told him I didn't want to be right, but I do want to be treated with respect, which he seems incapable of doing. And he said...

Steve: You're right, you don't need Dr. Phil Miss Bipolar. You're a
freakin' train wreck. I'm sure your ex-fiancee is thanking his lucky stars to not be divorce #2 with you. You really do need serious help and I hope you get it soon.

Yes, that's the way to my heart. Tell me I'm bipolar and a train-wreck. I told him to stop emailing me, and that I was going to block his email address, so he couldn't contact me anymore with his venom. That was in December. I didn't block his email though, as I wanted to see if he'd try again. I'm nasty like that.

Today, I got an email from him. Apologizing for all those last emails between us and that he hopes I'm doing well. And that Lent starts this week. Season of reconciliation and all that. I was at first inclined to accept his apology and try again, after all, he is cute and goes to my church. Did I already mention that? But then I realized that I could not respond, as then he would know I didn't really block him, which makes me a liar. But I don't want him to know that, right? And then I re-read all those angry emails between us and thought to myself, why would I want to open myself up for that again? Granted, I wasn't exactly Miss Sweet-n-Nice, but hey, who says I have to be?

So, I'm opening it up to all of you for judgment. Am I just being too uptight, and maybe should give the guy a break? Or just ignore the email and start going to a different church? Or do nothing, and wave to him across the aisle at mass? And why would he want a self-righteous bitch like me anyway?


Update 6/11: Fast forward a couple more years.... he emailed me again and asked if I wanted to get together for a "session." I did not respond. Idiot.

Yakuza

When I was 16, I fell in love with Chad, and older guy from another high school. Nine months later, we lost our virginity together. Three months after that, he decided he wanted to date other girls when he went off to college, so we broke up.

Fast-forward ten years. I was newly divorced, and Chad tracked me down on a high school reunion website. Said he'd never forgotten me, still loved me, wanted to see me. I thought, what the hell, maybe it could be some long-lost-love fairy tale. So I invited him to come visit me.

The sex was good, I have to give him that. Ten years of practice made a world of difference for both of us. But in the course of that weekend visit, he told me about his past decade. He'd spent several years in Japan, teaching English. He got involved with several of his students, one of whom was married. To a member of the Japanese mafia. Apparently the Yakuza don't take kindly to American playboys sleeping with their women. So, he had to leave the country with only the clothes on his back within a matter of hours, without even returning to his apartment of two years. That's right people, I was sleeping with a guy who had to flee a country under threat of dire bodily harm a few months earlier. Always a nice feeling, knowing you're hanging out with a guy who's under a death threat.

He then goes on to tell me that another woman he was involved with there is claiming to be pregnant, with his twins. But, hey, everyone makes mistakes, right? So I decide to overlook these things, and listen to his proclamations of love that never died. I go home to the small town from whence we sprung, and spend Thanksgiving with him. Things are going fine, until he tells me he and his family are planning a wedding for us in six months. What!?!?!?! Since when are we getting married, I wonder? Silly me though, I brush it off, and hope that by avoiding the subject, it will go away. I return to my home, and we continue our relationship by phone.

He soon tells me he's got a great job lined up, and that I will soon be able to quit my job and stay home to have babies. What is this wonderful new job? He accepted a sales job with Phillip Morris. "The cigarette company?” I ask. "Yes, but I'll be selling something else, they have lots of other products", he tells me. A few days later, well, he says he will be selling cancer sticks after all. I know without a doubt that I cannot live my life supported by the tobacco industry.

He starts talking marriage again, wanting to make those June wedding plans. I say, let's slow down, I've only been divorced a year, I want to see other people still. He gets furious, and says it's all over then. Sends me some hate-email, and is gone from my life. To go marry the Japanese woman who is bearing his twins. Because if he can't have me, he knows he'll never find love, so he might as well go marry her and at least legitimize the kids.

I still wonder if the Yakuza ever got him when he went back to Japan to get hitched.


Update 6/11 - I had lunch with him over the holidays. He went back to Japan, got married, had 3 kids (who are all models in Japan), divorced, and has had a string of non-monogamous relationships ever since. But he also got a great job and makes tons of money, so he can afford to be a playboy. And over lunch, he tearfully told me I'm still the only woman he's ever loved, and asked me to move to Japan to be with him. 20 years later, and he's still pining for me. Flattering? A little. But mostly just sad - for his ex wife, his kids, and all those women he's using. He emails me from time to time to tell me how much he loves me, and how glad he is for our eternal bond. At least I know that if nothing else works out, I can always go back to my first love... but then again, maybe being single isn't so bad.