I Lied

I know, I know. Three months ago I said I was back, then disappeared again. What's up with that, huh? No excuses, I'm just sorry.

So here's the quick version. I put myself on Match in September, with a very specific, demanding profile. And got about a hundred emails in the two weeks I was on it. Went out with half a dozen guys - most great, a couple weirdos (I'll write about them another time). Met one guy who was a bit older than I'd wanted, but very attractive and very much like me in many ways. It seemed like one of those "Finally, I've found the One" connections.

But after a few weeks, I got bored. I got bored with the similarities between us, which is ironic because I've had several previous relationship with men who pointed out at the end that I seemed to be looking for a male version of myself, and I'd be bored with it in the end. So if any of you are reading this, here's a gift for you... You were Right!

So it was (yet another) learning experience. I don't want a male version of me, I want someone who encourages me to stretch beyond my normal ways of being.

But I can only stretch so far. There were things, sexual preferences, that were very different about us. But even those things eventually got boring. Men, if you have a routine for every session, you might want to consider switching things up a bit. Or leaving out the things she doesn't really like, at least sometimes. But I digress.

He was sexy, he was sweet, he adored me, he wanted to give me the life I dreamed of. And I declined. At least this time I did it sooner than later.

For a while I thought that he was It. I told him he was. I lied.

I'm Back!

I know, I know, it's been two and a half months since I've posted anything. I just have not been inspired to write. I've been dating, here and there, but no one has annoyed/irritated/pissed me off enough to write about them. Nothing terribly shocking, no good stories to tell. So I'll just summarize...

There's a sexy Italian guy in Connecticut, who I have spent two long weekends with this summer and a fun week in Hawaii. GREAT sex, lots of laughs, many phone conversations. But I was willing to admit to myself that as much as like him, I'm not going to marry him, so why get further attached? There were other things as well, big things, but nothing I need to get detailed on. Suffice to say, it would not have worked out between us in the long run, and while great sex is enticing, it's not enough to get me to stray from my search for Mr. Right for long.

Between visits from my East Coast entertainment, I dated a few other guys. Because he has a hot temper/jealous streak, I tended to omit and/or lie about these other dates, as I didn't like the so-called teasing I got from him when I did admit to it. One thing I learned long ago is that if you feel like you have to lie, you aren't doing either person any favors. I tend to forget that though. So I'd just lie to avoid a reaction I didn't want. Bad Bad Bad.

One of the guys I dated was a nice younger guy named Josh. Went out a few times, had a few laughs, but no real sparks. I was supposed to call him when I got back from Hawaii, but didn't. He sent me a text last week, asking why I never called. I gave no lame excuse - just apologized for not calling and wished him well. Six dates and he never tried anything more than a quick kiss. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm not used to that from guys I date, so assumed he must be gay. Maybe he's just polite. Or scared of me. In any case, done with him.

Another guy I met at a gas station. He is the manager there. Cute and funny. Couple of dates, sex that lasted all of about 45 seconds, and he thinks he wants to marry me. I tell him I'm not interested anymore, and he gets all pissy - via text messages! Tells me I broke his heart. Come on now, you've known me for a couple weeks and I broke your heart? Give me a break.

Mark, I met on a plane to Hawaii. Talked to him for five hours - the whole way there. Went out for a fun, well-planned date last weekend, and he even brought me a book he'd told me about. But he loves beer and has two kids who live with him full time, and I just don't want to deal with that. So I said thanks so much for the book and the great evening, but that's it for me.

Mike, I wrote about in one of my earliest posts on this blog. Married guy I met on a plane (yes, another one). Turns out he was in the process of divorce at that time, and he has called me from time to time over the past eight months to see if I'd date him. I said not until the ink has dried on the divorce papers. Well, they got signed a couple weeks ago, and it will be final this Tuesday, so we've gone out a few times. I know, not quite dry, but close enough, and there's no real hanky-panky, so I figure it's OK. He's decided we should date eachother exclusively, as he thinks I'm the One, and just don't know he is the One for me yet. I agreed to it a couple days ago, as there's no one else I'm wanting to date right now anyway, but am not sure that I want to keep dating him either. He keeps telling me that when I finally have sex with him it will be far and away the best I've ever had, and he will "rock my world", blah blah blah. Kind of peaks the interest, but he is an admitted workaholic, is only in town one or two nights a week, promises calls he often doesn't make, and just seems like he has way too much going on. So that supposed great sex may have too high a price (if it's even close to what's advertised).

And that, my friends, is my dating life this summer in a nutshell. Kind of a big nutshell, but that's it nonetheless. Not too exciting, I know.

On another note, my younger brother has moved in with me this weekend, and loves to go out. We went to several clubs downtown last night, and I even danced! A lot! With men I don't know! And was molested on the dance floor by much younger men who told me I'm hot! And I didn't get to sleep until after 3am last night because I drank my first Red Bull. To strangers who read this, that may not seem like much, but to those of you who know me, those things are NOT in my normal way of doing things. So, maybe my life will start looking differently now that I have a roommate to go out with. New adventures await.

I promise to start writing on here more, and apologize for the long lapse. I'm back, and ready for.....whatever!

Trevor

I went on a lovely hike today with one of my bestest girlie friends. We saw wildflowers, streams, waterfalls, picnicking families, a great blue heron, sunshine, and... Trevor.

He was sitting quietly in the bushes, along side a trail. We almost walked right by him. But my friend pointed him out, and I was impressed by his size. Fully extended, at least six inches. I decided I wanted to touch him, and she got out her camera. At first, as I held him in my hand, he seemed timid, shy, scared. He shrunk down to a petite couple inches, but I knew what potential he had. So I held and caressed him, and tried to make him feel more comfortable.

His heft was impressive - more than I'd anticipated when I first saw him. He was strong and muscular, and as the minutes passed, began to come alive in my hand again. He stretched and expanded, and finally, when he knew I would not hurt him, felt at ease enough to extend to his full length.

His name is Trevor. He lives in Camas. He is quiet, shy, and unique. Beautiful in his own way. He was my companion for an hour, and I will never forget him.

Missing Element

Arggg. OK, I just needed to get that out first.

I finally bit the bullet and put myself on eHarmony. I've done it before, a couple years ago, and have also tried Match and Nerve. But each time I've enrolled in one of the internet dating sites, I usually meet someone in my "real life" within days. So I figure if I have to shell out some dough and put myself on the internet to meet a guy off the net, so be it.

Anyway, eHarmony has matched me up with about a dozen people, and I've started the communication process with each. Many have not responded. Several have, and I've eliminated most, on the basis of their answers to my questions. The only one I've emailed with regularly is Matt, the cutest one so far. He works in the same industry as I do, and his profile is encouraging. We've emailed back and forth on their site, which gets annoying, because I check my email more than that site, so I finally just gave him my email address.

What I got in return was an email from him on a yahoo account with a fake name on the return. I teased him about being paranoid and said I had nothing to hide, so was not worried about him knowing my real name. He shot back a lecture on why not to use a real name on free email sites, and at terse "Thanks for that. Take care". Obviously did not get that I was teasing, even though I said I was kidding. I wrote back apologizing for the misunderstanding, but got no return.

So this is why I am not such a fan of email, or instant messenger. It is so easy to misinterpret meaning when you don't know someone, or even when you do but can't see their expression or at least hear their tone.

Maybe (kidding) I need to (sarcasm) insert little notes (joke) in the text of my (hee hee) messages.

Is It In?

Anyone know three two letter words that mean small?

Several years ago, a friend set me up with a guy named Michael. He was a really nice guy, smart, successful, owned a nice home, treated me with respect. I enjoyed his company.

As we dated, there was the inevitable fooling around. And let me tell you, he was GREAT with his hands. He could give me climax after climax, until I was begging him to stop. It was amazing. I thought, with foreplay that good, sex was going to be delicious. So I asked for it.

We stripped in the dark of his room, and as our naked bodies met, I felt something warm pressed against me. Something warm, and small. As I took him in my hand, I felt...mean. Here was this great, nice guy, and all I could think about was "How can I get out of here?". You see folks, his penis was the size of my thumb. I am not kidding. Seriously.

The condom was too big. As he entered me, I could hardly feel it. It kept slipping out. He joked about his size, and that it made things difficult. I offered oral sex instead. That worked for him, and then he went on to tire me out with his hands.

He was perfectly OK with his...limitations. I wanted to be, I really did. I spent a couple more nights with him, hoping I could be satisfied with the state of things. But I was not. The best part about sex for me is penetration, and I could not imagine giving that up, even for a potentially great relationship. And so I broke things off.

Does my inability to sacrifice that which I craved for an otherwise nice, fun guy with great hands make me a bad person? A shallow person? So be it. I hope he found himself a tiny little woman who could care less about penetration and is just thrilled to have endless orgasms, however she gets them. But she ain't me.

Two Drink Limit

In my previous job, I was hired by John, a guy that looked and sounded like he was straight from "The Sopranos". One day he even told me how to dispose of a body in case I ever needed to. On that same day he mentioned that he has more friends inside the federal penitentiary than out. When I got divorced, he said that if I was still single in five years he would divorce his wife and marry me. Gee thanks. Needless to say, I was not disappointed that I only had to work with him a couple times a year.

One day though, I had to travel to Seattle for a meeting with a large group of prospective clients. John was there, along with two other high-ups with the company. He asked me to meet him in the bar to talk about our meeting before dinner. So I did, and after much prodding from him, ordered a drink. At dinner, I ordered water, and he ordered me another of what I'd had at the bar, over my repeated protestations. Now, I've never been any kind of drinker. Practically no tolerance.

By the time dinner was over, I was having a tough time walking in a straight line. He noticed, and steered me towards the bar. And ordered me another. I knew that third drink was a bad idea, but he was my boss and so I did what he said, and drank it. And there my good judgement went right out the door. There was flirting, I admit it. I am a big flirt when I drink, apparently. And then there was a fourth drink.

Stumbling to the elevator. With his arm around me. Elevator doors closed, he pushed me up against the wall, and kissed me! A lot. Walked me to my room, to make sure I made it in OK. There was making out inside the room. For some reason I really didn't care. No sex though, I am happy to report. Thank God.

The next day, there were phone calls. He thought we should plan to meet up in the various locations around the country where he had meetings. I thought that was not such a good idea, him being married and all. I told him I felt bad for his wife, and that I was sorry for behaving inappropriately.

Yes, I apologized for letting him get me drunk and try to take advantage of me.

He kept calling from time to time, and asking me to talk dirty to him or meet him places. I would always decline, on the basis of shyness or other plans. I was afraid to be blunt, because he could fire me so easily.

Fast forward several years, to this winter, when I got laid off. And as I was passing through the Newark airport on my way to training for my new job, guess who I saw? Yup, John. With his beautiful, sweet wife. They asked what I was there for, and for how long. I reported it was for the new job, three weeks. And as they wished me well and then she walked away to find their car service, he turned around and said, literally behind her back, "Call me while you're here, we'll have dinner".

So it was that one night in Seattle four years ago that taught this girl her limits with alcohol. One drink, fine. Two drinks, very relaxed, but still know right from wrong. Three drinks, and suddenly, I just don't care. And ever since then, I stop at two. I know, I'm no fun.

Doc Joe

I have been working with doctors in a professional capacity for eight years. In all that time, I have never been hit on by a doctor I call on. Until last week.

On Monday, I went into an office I'd never been in before. I was pleasantly surprised to meet the very friendly doctor who invited me to sit down, have some coffee, and chat for a while. I was surprised again when he invited me to go out for coffee later that day, after he was done seeing patients. In my line of work, seeing doctors outside the office is grounds for bonus points - it's called "relationship building". The theory is, if you get to know them, they get to know you and like you, there's a greater chance they will prescribe your drug when the appropriate patient presents. So I agreed.

We ended up having dinner instead, as it was evening when we finally got together. I thought it went well - we talked drugs, medicine, religion, family, hobbies, and other sundry topics. Apparently he thought it went well too.

I kept getting phone calls, voicemails and emails all week from him. Wanting to know when we could get together again. Telling me how smart, beautiful and interesting I am. Offering me "a hug break... hehehe" in an email from a fake name but signed "Doc Joe". Now, why do you use a fake email name unless you are a stalker, child porn addict or have something to hide?

Granted, if this guy was 35 and hot, I might overlook the fake name. I might even enjoy the attention. But alas, he is in his fifties, a hundred pounds overweight, and according to my co-workers, married. Lucky, lucky me.

So, I sent him and email back saying that I need to keep my relationships with physicians I call on strictly professional. He said he understands. Whew!

Remind me not to be so nice to these guys. Oh yeah, that's my job. Well darn.

Being Straight

Last weekend I went on a date with a guy I've known casually for a couple of years. Now that I am single and dating again, he thought we should "hang out". OK, I've got nothing better to do with my Saturday night, so why not? He is 50, never married, blond hair, blue eyes, interested in philosophical discussions, taking responsibility for his life, and other such areas of my own interest.

We had a great dinner at a trendy restaurant that gave us a booth 75% enclosed by stacked beams and opaque glass. We ate yummy food that came in tiny portions on huge plates. We talked about movies, classes we've taken, mutual friends, and what we want in life.

"You want to hear what I want?", he asks with enthusiasm. "Sure", I respond, thinking to myself how nice it is that a man is taking the lead in laying it all out on the metaphorical table, without prompting. He tells me that he wants to be engaged by the end of June, and married soon after. Not to me, mind you, just in general. He wants his new wife to have a baby right away, as he's not gettin' any younger. He wants to quit his job and go back to school to be an architect. He will go to school while his wife, who has just had a baby, goes back to work. He will take care of the baby when he's not in class, and the rest of the time, the child will be in daycare. He says he wouldn't want to have a baby with a woman who wanted to stay home with it, because then she would just hand if off to him at the end of the day when he gets home from work.

"Well, what do you think?" he asks me.

"Thank you for sharing all that with me", I respond. "The thing is, what you described is pretty much the exact opposite of what I want. I hope you get what you want, but it won't be with me."

We spent a couple more hours together talking after dinner, and parted ways amiably. There was no drama, no playing of games over weeks and months, no hidden agenda. No saying what the other person wanted to hear, only to have it come back and bite you in the ass at a later date. No wasted time, no disappointment. It was just a great example of Straight Communication.

At first when I heard what he wanted I thought "Who does he think he is, that he can expect that life?" But then, who do I think I am that I can hope for a husband who will support me in staying home with a baby and going back to school to get the degree I've always wanted? He was just willing to be upfront about it, which freed me to be upfront too.

I have got to do that more often.


Update 06/11: I'm still friends with this guy. He's now married, mot working, and his wife supports him. And they're having twins in the fall. And he flirts with me every chance he gets. Dodged a bullet on that one. Even asked me (via text) last night if I wanted company. Hello?!? Aren't you married?

Commitment

I always thought I was great at commitment. I want to be committed. I promise fidelity and exclusivity easily. Granted, I've been divorced, and broken up with many men, including a recent fiancee, but hey, I had great Reasons, right? So maybe I'm not good at it after all.

For the past four years, since my divorce, I have told everyone I know that I am looking for the Love of My Life and Father of My Children. And I want it to be the kind of relationship from whence Academy Award winning movies are sprung. I'm not going to settle - I did that once, and ended up unhappily married. I made a promise to myself after the divorce that the next marriage would be Great, and it would be Forever. So I refuse to enter into another relationship that is any less.

I date men, for varying amounts of time, and inevitably, I see flaws. I see patterns, traits, habits, and signs that trouble me. Things I can not, or will not live with. And then I end the relationship. A wise friend asked me a couple years ago, "how many men have wanted to marry you, and you rejected them?". When I sat down and made the list, it was a real eye-opener. I felt guilty, that so many are willing to give me so much, and I say "Thanks but no thanks".

I'm getting better at moving along as time passes. That's what scares me. I am so quick to pass judgment, so set in what I want, and so sure that I will get it, if I just wait long enough, search hard enough, date enough. And so, as my last significant relationship put it, I "go through relationships like socks - change 'em every day". Well, it's not that literally, but close enough.

And then two weeks ago, that same wise friend who always tells me the truth, no matter how much it will hurt, said something I have not been able to get out of my mind. She said to me "You say you are committed to being married to the Love of Your Life. But you are more committed to Not Making Mistakes than you are to finding that love and marriage". And you know what, she is 100% right about that.

I base every decision in life on "will this be a mistake?" I ask several people, every time I have a big decision, and hope they will tell me the right thing to do, so I don't make a mistake. I look back on my life thus far and see so many things I wish I hadn't done or said, and they look like mistakes. I don't want to make anymore. Logically, I know that everyone makes mistakes, they happen. Or, you can look at it like there are no mistakes, just choices. But the bottom line is, I don't want to make choices I will later regret. I promised myself when I was a teenager that I would never do anything I regret. But I have.

So I asked this wise friend, how can I break this pattern of being committed to Not Making Mistakes? And she said to me "Are you willing to give up that commitment? Until you truly give it up, you will keep living your life around that, instead of around getting that Love you say you want". And the sad thing is, even two weeks later, I can not give up the commitment to Not Make Mistakes. I am holding onto it like a lifeline. Telling myself I am not willing to make a mistake again, in my life, or that will affect someone else's life. Even though it is probably inevitable.

Now I sit here knowing that I have consigned myself to a life of going from one relationship to the next, always finding something wrong, something that would ultimately make choosing that person a mistake. And it's a very lonely feeling. Because I also know that I have the power to make it different, but I refuse to do so, because to step into the unknown is too scary.

Turns out I am good at commitment. I am so committed to one fear, that I am willing to give up the Love I seek. I sure hope I find a way to break it.



Update 6/11: I'm still single, still dating a lot, still hoping for marriage and baby. And still looking for how it could be a mistake, so I can avoid it. 5 years later, people!!! 5 years, and I'm still doing the same damn thing. What's the definition of insanity again?

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A Nice Catholic Boy For Me

I met a guy named Steve last year in a local grocery store. Our eyes met, several times, in various aisles. Finally, he came up to me, gave me his card and said "I don't usually do this, but I'd really like to meet you for coffee sometime, so call me". We laughed about how odd it was to meet someone in a grocery store, and then he left. I decided to call. We met for coffee, talked for several hours, during which time I told him I was seeing someone, but that I'd like to be friends with him. That was fine for him, as he was kind of seeing someone too. We became email buddies.

Shortly after XMas, he asked if we could get together for drinks and a chat. I said sure. He told me that he's spent XMas eve getting drunk by himself then driving up to a casino to gamble. Impressive. I told him I did not approve of either activity, but since we weren't dating, the only reason it mattered to me was the lives he endangered while driving drunk. He said he knew it was a problem, and would not do it again. A couple months later, he emailed to tell me he'd given up drinking alcohol for Lent, and wanted me to know that he was working on his issues.

We continued to correspond periodically throughout last year, and the friendship seemed fine. He felt comfortable telling me to lighten up on the man I was seeing, and I felt comfortable telling him to pay more attention to his live-in girlfriend and less attention to my love life.

Then came the final break-up for me last fall. Somehow, Steve was tuned in to that event and emailed me soon after to see how I was faring. I told him about the break-up, and he told me he'd broken up with his S.O. as well. We went to church together a couple of times. A cute guy who goes to the same church - I thought I might have scored. And then the weirdness began. Allow me to share with you some actual emails we exchanged...

Steve: I've got this company dinner on Friday. I've planned on going alone though the other sales reps will have their wives with them. It will probably last an hour. You wanna' go? No problem if that's the night you wash your hair.

Me: Actually, that's the night I get to meet all my new co-workers. It's the company XMas party and my first day of work - what a way to meet everyone, right? Anyway, thank you for the invitation, and I would have gone with you, but got to go to this other thing, for obvious reasons :-) Sorry. Have fun though! And enjoy your day today.

Steve: I wish I had a dollar for every time I asked you to do something and you said no. I'd be a very rich man.........

Me: Wait a minute - that is not fair. I have a company XMas party for my new job on Friday. I did not say no, I said I'd like to go with you but I have other plans which I can't change. And a couple weeks ago, you asked me to meet up before church for coffee, and I said yes, and then YOU had other plans. And when those plans fell through, you did not offer to meet anyway. You asked me to watch a movie that I had no interest in - should I have lied instead? You've asked me if you could come over and watch a movie on a Saturday night, which I said no to because I had a boyfriend at the time who would have felt betrayed by such an evening.

So. There's clearly a physical attraction between us, but not so much with the good communication or understanding of eachother's way of doing things. I don't want to be snippy and pissy with you (or anyone). So I propose we just sit on our opposite sides of the church, wave hello, wish eachother well, and not try to make anything more of it.

Steve: hey, calm down now. Maybe we should have a nice sex session and that would eliminate this unnecessary tension. what time?

Dear readers, of course, there was more to the emails, but you get the gist. After that last "sex session" comment, I told him I did not want anything more to do with him. I mean, it just seemed really inappropriate. He then suggested I watch Dr. Phil and learn how to be happy instead of being right. I told him I didn't want to be right, but I do want to be treated with respect, which he seems incapable of doing. And he said...

Steve: You're right, you don't need Dr. Phil Miss Bipolar. You're a
freakin' train wreck. I'm sure your ex-fiancee is thanking his lucky stars to not be divorce #2 with you. You really do need serious help and I hope you get it soon.

Yes, that's the way to my heart. Tell me I'm bipolar and a train-wreck. I told him to stop emailing me, and that I was going to block his email address, so he couldn't contact me anymore with his venom. That was in December. I didn't block his email though, as I wanted to see if he'd try again. I'm nasty like that.

Today, I got an email from him. Apologizing for all those last emails between us and that he hopes I'm doing well. And that Lent starts this week. Season of reconciliation and all that. I was at first inclined to accept his apology and try again, after all, he is cute and goes to my church. Did I already mention that? But then I realized that I could not respond, as then he would know I didn't really block him, which makes me a liar. But I don't want him to know that, right? And then I re-read all those angry emails between us and thought to myself, why would I want to open myself up for that again? Granted, I wasn't exactly Miss Sweet-n-Nice, but hey, who says I have to be?

So, I'm opening it up to all of you for judgment. Am I just being too uptight, and maybe should give the guy a break? Or just ignore the email and start going to a different church? Or do nothing, and wave to him across the aisle at mass? And why would he want a self-righteous bitch like me anyway?


Update 6/11: Fast forward a couple more years.... he emailed me again and asked if I wanted to get together for a "session." I did not respond. Idiot.